PHILADELPHIA, PA — Despite both candidates facing issues with voter enthusiasm, the race for the open Senate seat in Pennsylvania has narrowed in recent weeks. Polling was showing Dr. Mehmet Oz catching up to John Fetterman until a head of cabbage entered the race and exceeded both candidates in popularity.
"We've seen ‘dark horse' candidates upset Senate races at the last minute, but this was something special – only these two could face an inert head of cabbage as a serious challenger just weeks before the election," said political analyst Dan Greenfield on his daily podcast. "An upset victory of a head of cabbage would be a barrier-breaking first for vegetables being elected to the Senate. To be fair, however, this would also be the result if Fetterman won."
The Fetterman campaign has flailed at the unexpected challenger, unable to effectively counter the stoic sobriety of the cabbage head. Fetterman's campaign manager, Brendan McPhillips, emphasized in an interview that Fetterman would outperform the cabbage in facing down dangerous adversaries abroad. "Look, these dictatorial foreign nations will be cowed into submission when Senator Fetterman intimidates them with his requests for closed captioning. We make a motion even now that John be tapped to lead the Senate foreign relations committee if elected, to make use of his imposing stature and confident speech."
Dr. Oz's team has also fared poorly by most accounts, with the hosts of Fox & Friends seeking answers from the Oz campaign for why Dr. Oz was so easily surpassed by a cruciferous vegetable. Oz announced he would bring crudité vegetable trays to upcoming debates and crunch loudly to intimidate the head of cabbage while also rambling about how much more expensive crudité has become under Biden's economy to show his connection to average people.
At publishing time, John Fetterman had been poised for a comeback with former President Barack Obama arriving to campaign for him, but Fetterman had already chased him away with a shotgun.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
