SANTA ROSA, CA — Tragedy struck the sporting world when an entire professional soccer team was killed after the team bus glided ever so slightly over a minuscule speedbump at 0.5 mph.
"It was gruesome; every player was flopping around, holding their heads, chests, and knees, screaming in pain," said the bus driver, who miraculously walked away from the incident without a scratch. "Despite the surprising lack of blood, they all died."
This tragedy comes just days after a professional soccer player was killed during a televised match after being struck head-on by a raging mosquito. The mosquito survived the incident.
FIFA (Federation of International FIFA Associates) has responded to the deaths with a promise to ensure the safety of all professional soccer players by requiring helmets, pads, foam soccer balls, cleats made of marshmallows, and magical protective shields from Hogwarts University, all to be worn on and off the field.
Critics are skeptical that such measures will be enough.
At publishing time, the soccer team killed in the bus tragedy had miraculously risen from their graves just in time to compete in their next match.
DOGE is here, and Elon and Vivek will eliminate millions of government positions