LONDON — British PM Keir Starmer has announced that he has directed authorities to prosecute the famous King Arthur for his unauthorized use of the deadly sword Excalibur, violating the nation's ban on swords.
Sources say authorities were initially alerted after learning that the famed sword had been pulled from a stone by the suspect.
"These deadly weapons have no place in British society," said Starmer in an announcement. "Our nation is suffering from an epidemic of brutal stabbings from no particular people group or religion in particular. Anyone who brandishes these instruments of death will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law."
"Allahu Akbar," he concluded.
Starmer confirmed that anyone caught with sharp instruments such as swords, knives, and those little cocktail olive skewers will be shown no mercy until the "scourge of sharp, pointy instruments" is defeated.
"It doesn't matter that this 'Arthur' character is a king," said one law enforcement officer. "No one is above the law. He clearly belongs in jail."
At publishing time, Starmer had clarified that Arabic scimitars used in ritual honor killings would be exempt from England's sword ban.
Mission accomplished: Satan has just confirmed that Jesus of Nazareth was crucified and will never be coming back.
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