WASHINGTON, D.C. — As President Joe Biden celebrated his 81st birthday, White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre made the bold pronouncement that Biden is officially the youngest president in the nation's history.
"It's a truly remarkable achievement," said the black, gay female Jean-Pierre. "He was the youngest, sharpest president of all time when he was lawfully elected in November 2020, and he has somehow grown even younger as time has passed. It's something no one has ever done in American history. Truly amazing."
Jean-Pierre's announcement comes as people across the country — even some in President Biden's own party — have begun to raise questions about his age and capability to lead the nation moving forward. "I had started to wonder if having a guy that old in charge is the best idea," said plumber Jason McClain. "But since the White House said he's now the youngest president ever, it must be true and reliable information. Good enough for me!"
When asked about the veracity of her statement, Jean-Pierre was defiantly adamant. "If I say he's the youngest president of all time, you can trust my information," she said. "While we're on the subject, it's also very normal for the leader of the free world to take several naps a day, go outside for recess after lunch, and have members of his Secret Service detail read him bedtime stories. These are all tremendous accomplishments that no other president in history can claim."
At publishing time, Jean-Pierre had also made strong claims that Biden was also the greatest, smartest, most accomplished, and mentally sharpest president who has ever overseen the complete and total collapse of the United States.
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