WASHINGTON, D.C. — The nation rejoiced yesterday as smoke rose from the White House, indicating the elderly President has survived yet another year.
"Look! There it is!" said a jubilant crowd of bureaucrats, Chinese spies, and other interested onlookers as Biden's 81 birthday candles were set ablaze and produced a column of thick, black smoke that rose into the horizon above the nation's capital. "The President! He still lives! Rejoice, for our leader's body still draws breath, leaving us free to keep running the government behind his back!"
Sources say the plume of smoke was visible for miles around and could even be viewed from the International Space Station. "We've never seen this many candles on a president's cake before," said one environmental scientist. "This one event greatly diminished the air quality and increased the atmospheric temperatures by several degrees. We're happy our Glorious Leader made it another year, but we're not sure if the planet can take any more of this."
Sources say Biden also walked out onto a balcony and waved to the crowds, further proving the fact that he still hadn't died yet. "Hey, folks! Where did all this smoke come from? Is something on fire? Where's Corn Pop?" yelled Biden before being yanked back into the building by aides.
At publishing time, Trump had promised to use even bigger candles on his birthday cake and create even more smoke once he takes office at 78 years old.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
