WASHINGTON, D.C. — What Hunter Biden had initially hoped would be the most wondrous day of his life resulted in profound disappointment, as he discovered the white powder being spread all around the White House grounds was only fake snow for decoration.
"Aw, man!" Hunter was heard saying after spitting out a mouthful of fake snow. "I thought Santa Claus had granted my Christmas wish for all the blow in the world!"
Secret Service agents guarding the presidential residence had reported seeing Hunter dash out from his limousine when it arrived before diving into a pile of white powder and doing snow angels. "I've never seen that big of a smile on his face," said Agent Sean Kellar. "Except for that time he was here to greet that group of Ukrainian escorts."
Hunter then began barking orders at White House staff to bring him various supplies. "He demanded a large mirror, razor blades, a digital scale, a rolled-up dollar bill (he specified that it needed to be a 100), and several cases of small Ziploc bags," Agent Kellar continued. "He seemed like a kid in a candy store."
"Then he tasted the powder."
Witnesses among the White House staff said Biden became visibly despondent, with his shoulders slumping and a sad expression washing over his face. "He was so bummed out," one staffer said. "When he walked away, I could almost hear the sad ‘Charlie Brown Christmas' piano music playing in the background."
At publishing time, Hunter was overheard pleading with his father to make sure he got "the real stuff" next year.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
