WASHINGTON, D.C. — New poll numbers showed Kamala Harris had locked up the white liberal woman vote by constantly being drunk and intolerable.

"Hey, girlfriends!" Kamala slurred at audience members of a recent rally. "Are we ready for Happy Hour right now? It's Friday somewhere, am I right? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Political analysts determined that liberal white women fell in line with Kamala after seeing how relatable she was. "I like the way she's able to yell at a waiter while holding a glass of white wine and not spill a bit on her, just like me!" said one female rally attendee. White liberal women also say they love how Kamala staggers around the stage talking incoherently, just like they all do when they've had a few too many at their kids' private school fundraisers.

"She's so relatable. I also love chugging a bottle of sparkling white wine and posting total nonsense on social media," Kamala supporter Britany Kane said. "The way she slurs her speech and staggers around in public while dancing to whatever Beyoncé song is playing over the public sound system…. I totally do that too!"

At publishing time, the Harris campaign had released a new campaign slogan to help reel in even more liberal white ladies: "If Life Gives You Lemons, Add Vodka!"

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