U.S. — With citizens wondering what Vice President Kamala Harris would do differently than her current administration, Harris announced that she would release her policy positions just as soon as the polls told her what they were.
"I have a detailed vision and plan to lead America into the future, and I will tell you what it is whenever the pollsters tell me what it is," said Harris. "What I can tell you so far is that I support not taxing tips for waiters, as I already saw how Trump was polling with that."
According to sources, the campaign has asked if the media and everyone on the planet could kindly disregard everything Kamala has previously said in her life and await the new policy platform. "Nothing that Kamala has done or claimed to believe in the past should be taken as any indication of what she actually will do or what she actually believes," explained campaign aide Sheila Marks. "We would appreciate it if everyone would pretend like the last two decades of her life did not exist, and just patiently wait for the polls to come rolling in so we can tell you what she believes today."
At publishing time, Harris had unfortunately received conflicting polling data from various states and declared that her policy towards Israel was "nuking Gaza until every terrorist has met Allah" and also "pushing those dirty colonizing Jews into the sea."
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
