Kabul Airport Now Ranked World's Second Most Dangerous Behind Chicago O'Hare
World

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—As chaotic scenes continue to unfold at Hamid Karzai International Airport following the abrupt takeover by the Taliban last week, the World Airport Violence Commission (WAVC) has confirmed that the Kabul airport now ranks second on their list of deadliest airports behind only Chicago O’Hare. 

“Last week, there were at least twelve shootings outside of Hamid Karzai, a dramatic increase from the previous week,” said a spokesman for the WAVC. “Of course, that was well behind the 481 shootings near Chicago O’Hare, but enough to put the airport firmly into second place on our list.” 

Eyewitnesses say the situation near the airport is dire. “It’s pure chaos,” said one man on the scene. “There are crowds of impoverished people begging to escape the violence. There’s gunfire everywhere. I saw a woman hand her newborn to a soldier over a barbed-wire fence just to try to get him out of the city. If things are this bad here in Chicago, I can only imagine what it’s like over in Afghanistan.” 

Mayor Lori Lightfoot placed the blame for Chicago’s violence squarely on the shoulders of Republicans. “Clearly this is all caused by guns coming from unvaccinated Trump voters in Indiana,” she said at a press conference. “The only thing that can save our city is another 100 years of total Democrat control of the government.” 

At press time, a spokesman for the new Taliban government of Afghanistan said they are preparing a humanitarian aid package for the residents of war-torn Chicago. “Our heart goes out to these people,” he said. “After so many decades of violence, we are truly saddened by their suffering.” 

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