TOPEKA, KS — A kindly hospital clerk asked local man Jonathan Arnold to please fill out the brief 50-page intake form, promising they would then get right to addressing the axe embedded in his skull.
The clerk then asked for Arnold's insurance information, stating it would only take 20 minutes to run his benefits so that a doctor could take a look at the hunk of metal in his cranium.
"Just hold really, really still so the axe doesn't move while you finish these forms," said the clerk, Sharon Maxwell. "Oh, and don't forget the pages are all front and back. Please make sure to fill out the family history form about whether anyone of your third degree relatives have had any medical problems, such as gout or Lyme disease, and when they were diagnosed. Try not to get too much blood on my clipboard, okay?"
According to witnesses, Arnold dutifully began signing the forms, but began to struggle due to there being an axe touching his brain. "I'm so sorry, this axe in my parietal lobe is really making it tough," said Arnold. "Yes, I'm sure it's relevant that I had tubes in my ears when I was seven years old, but I'm getting a teens bit woozy from the high-carbon steel lodged in my noggin."
At publishing time, the doctor had delayed coming to check on the axe in Arnold's head as Arnold had failed to sign the form stating whether he thought he might be pregnant.
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