CHICAGO, IL—In his first public statement since being arrested for filing a false police report, Empire actor Jussie Smollett claimed he was persuaded to make up the attack on himself by a small blue creature from outer space.
"I was trying to figure out how to make myself appear oppressed, and this little guy says, 'Psst! Hey! Over here!' and starts telling me I should weave a tale about two guys in MAGA hats attacking me in the bitter cold," he confessed to police officers. "He was very convincing. He insisted a little fib couldn't hurt anybody."
The creature, identifying itself as a "fib," soon grew into a huge, big, fat lie, according to Smollett. "He kept getting bigger and bigger, and soon I realized I was in over my head."
While Smollett's attack by two Trump supporters was faked, he claims he was in reality lifted up into the air by the towering alien creature, who intended on eating him. Luckily, he was rescued at the last moment by a mysterious vigilante who allegedly had plungers in his ears.
"Frankly, we think he's making the whole thing up," said a Chicago PD official. "A giant blue thing from outer space? Seems fishy. Now, I'll grant it's not as fishy as his earlier story about the MAGA guys attacking him, but still. We know when our chain is being yanked."
At publishing time, Smollett was rambling on to reporters about how he didn't break some prized bowling plate, pinning the alleged crime on Laura Carrot.
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