PHILADELPHIA, PA — As news broke this morning that Kamala Harris had chosen Minnesota Governor Tim Walz as her running mate, inside sources reported that the other rumored finalist, Josh Shapiro, was annoyed that he had apparently gotten a "Death to Israel" neck tattoo for nothing.
The Pennsylvania governor had gone to great lengths to distance himself from his Jewish heritage and endear himself to Democrats, including hitting a local tattoo shop to get a tattoo on his neck that he hoped would convince voters that he held no loyalty to Israel. Harris's decision to go in a different direction, however, left Shapiro feeling regret.
"Ah, geez. Tattoos are easier to get rid of these days, right?" Shapiro was heard asking one of his advisors after Harris announced Walz as her running mate. "Man, I really thought the neck tattoo would seal the deal. They told me they were concerned about my ‘Jewishness,' so I figured permanently inking ‘Death to Israel' on such a visible area of my body would show how serious I was. Hey, can you Google ‘tattoo removal near me' please?"
In addition to the neck tattoo, Shapiro had reportedly also taken to listening to Kanye West albums, thrown his yarmulke in the trash, and was planning to grow a tiny, narrow mustache. "I really wanted that job," he told his staff. "I guess I should cancel that pro-Palestinian rally I scheduled to host with Ilhan and Rashida, huh?"
At publishing time, Shapiro had booked an appointment to have his neck tattoo covered up with a portrait of Che Gevara.
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