MINNEAPOLIS, MN — Following his selection as Kamala Harris' running mate, Minnesota governor Tim Walz has assured voters across the United States that, if elected, he will make America as great as Minneapolis.
According to reporters, Walz vowed to bring the rest of America to the same level of greatness as Minneapolis in his speech accepting the vice-presidential nomination.
"As the governor who presided over the looting and burning of Minneapolis during the summer of 2020, I have full confidence that I will be able to apply my experience stirring up race riots on the national scale as well as I have in my home state," Walz reportedly stated. "If I am elected vice-president, I solemnly swear to 'raze' every American city to Minneapolis' level of greatness."
Residents of Minneapolis were unavailable for comment, as most had already fled or taken cover in case Walz actually managed to become Vice President. However, Walz has received official endorsement from several prestigious entities, such as Hamas, the government of Somalia, and top Antifa leaders.
At publishing time, Walz had also vowed to oversee the cleaning up of America's environment just like he had overseen the cleaning out of Twin Cities Targets, Auto Zones, and pharmacies during the summer of 2020.
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