NEW YORK CITY — Media personality John Oliver dedicated an entire episode of Last Week Tonight to arguing that men could not possibly have innate physical advantages over women, seeing as how women always beat him at everything.
Oliver spent the entirety of the 45-minute episode recounting time after time that women physically embarrassed him in various ways, such as crushing his delicate fingers in a handshake or opening jars of mild salsa for him.
"If men are so strong, then how come I lose arm wrestling matches to little girls?" asked Oliver. "How come I have to ask the female workers at Home Depot to lift the bags of mulch for me? The idea that men have some sort of physical advantage over girls is preposterous. Why should women be afraid of having men in their sports leagues when I was left bruised and crying after a pillow fight with my seven-year-old niece?"
Proponents of women-only sports leagues were forced to admit that Oliver does not, in fact, have any sort of biological advantage over tiny girls. "He has a point," admitted Riley Gaines, proponent of women's sports. "I've seen the video of John getting pounded in a dodgeball game by a fourth-grade girl. He has literally zero edge in muscle mass, bone density, or grip strength over a small girl. I can't deny it."
At publishing time, Gaines had agreed to make an exception exclusively for John Oliver if he wanted to try mixed martial arts against a female.
Meet Juan. He came to this country with a dream to commit crime. This is his story.
