John Kerry Praises Haitian Cannibals' Efforts To Reduce Humanity's Carbon Footprint
World · Mar 13, 2024 ·

MARTHA'S VINEYARD — With the rest of the world expressing shock and horror at seeing video footage of a Haitian warlord eating the charred remains of his enemies, former Secretary of State John Kerry praised the Haiti cannibals for their efforts to reduce humanity's carbon footprint.

The failed presidential candidate and current U.S. Special Presidential Envoy for Climate said the rest of the civilized world could learn a lesson or two from the violent group of armed Haitian gangs that have taken control of the Caribbean nation and the steps they have taken to address climate change.

"It's inspiring to see," Kerry said in a statement from his Martha's Vineyard estate. "Not only are these fellows reducing the overcrowdedness of the world's human population, but they've also developed a sustainable food source that will lessen their dependence on livestock and farmed animals. I applaud them. They appear to be a group of fine young cannibals."

Haiti has continued its descent into total societal collapse, with the nation's Prime Minister Ariel Henry resigning and turning control of the country over to warring gangs, but Kerry sees a silver lining. "It's wonderful to see people rising up to take power," he said. "I look forward to the United States building a relationship with the Haitian cannibals as we seek solutions to the serious climate issues facing mankind."

At publishing time, Kerry had politely declined an invitation from the Haitian cannibals to visit the island as a guest of honor at a barbecue festival.

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