SAN ANTONIO, TX—Citing a desire to make sure he’s around for the next big eschatological event, prophecy expert and pastor John Hagee placed himself into his home’s specially installed cryogenic freezer Thursday afternoon, leaving instructions that he’s not to be thawed out until just before the beginning of the next expected lunar “blood moon” tetrad in the spring of 2032.
“I can’t bear the thought of not getting to experience at least one more season of wild prophetic conjecture,” Hagee told reporters moments before kissing his family goodbye and stepping into the icy chamber expected to be his home for the next fifteen years or so. “I promise, when I get out, I’ll immediately set to work on a new book interpreting the inspired heavenly signs.”
“Though I’ll have to catch up on the current events to make it all fit together, of course,” he said with a good-natured chuckle. “Those newspaper headlines aren’t gonna exegete themselves, after all.”
Waving farewell to mankind for the next decade and a half while Larry Norman’s premillenial anthem “I Wish We’d All Been Ready” played majestically in the background, Hagee stepped across the threshold of the state-of-the-art cryo chamber and into the history books, a large window on the front of the chamber allowing reporters to snap pictures of his rapidly freezing countenance.