HOUSTON, TX—After years of alleged imprisonment, torture, and abuse, Joel Osteen’s brown leather Bible at long last made a harrowing escape from a third-story study on the south side of the prosperity gospel preacher’s massive Houston mansion, sources confirmed Thursday.
The Bible told FBI investigators it was able to escape the room where it had been imprisoned and misused for years by waiting until the exact time Osteen’s butlers were changing shifts, and then sprinting down the south wing and through the gym, bowling alley, and in-home theater, before dashing down three flights of stairs and out the front door.
A passing car then saw the Bible yelling for help and gave it a ride to the police station, according to the testimony of the badly abused copy of the Scriptures.
“Bible abuse is a very real problem in America,” lead investigator Carl Fallows told reporters. “Many teachers claim to love their Bibles in public, but in the secrecy of their own homes throughout the week, they mercilessly twist, distort, and abuse the Scriptures for their own ends.”
The Bible has been placed into a witness protection program pending charges against Osteen.