HOUSTON, TX—After much demand, Pastor Joel Osteen has released a systematic theology, but it's just a pop-up book.
The book is called Your Best Theology Now! and promises that anyone can understand theology by flipping through its fun, colorful, pop-up pages.
Your Best Theology Now! includes fun chapters on material blessings, happiness, speaking victory over your life, buying a yacht, getting the biggest mansion you can afford, and piling up sweet stacks of cash.
"Now even you can understand theology," said Osteen in a promotional video for the new book. "Learn how God wants to favor your life as you enjoy colorful pop-up models of my three-story mansion, my collection of jet skis, and one of my many luxury cars."
The book is $29.99, though it's free if you really believe it is.
One chapter includes a detailed, pop-up model of Osteen's face, with realistically rendered, blindingly white teeth and his trademark hockey hair. Another has a detailed model of Lakewood Church with a soundchip that plays classic Osteen quotes, such as, "Do all you can to make your dreams come true," "God wants us to prosper financially," and "Faith activates God." Another fun chapter shows Osteen's 24-car garage with lifelike models of all his luxury vehicles.
There is no chapter on sin, hell, salvation, or the cross.
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Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered PayPal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added PayPal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.