WASHINGTON, D.C.—At a press conference today, Joe Biden was proud to announce that he'd selected his running mate for the 2020 election: Aunt Jemima.
"She's a clean, articulate woman of color, she's a self-made businesswoman, and she's a great listener," Biden said as he unveiled his pick for vice president. "We were looking at two criteria for my VP: her race and her gender, and Jemima nailed both qualifications."
"Plus, she smells fantastic. Welcome to Team Joe, toots!" He then put his hands on the neck of the bottle and caressed it, giving the bottle of maple syrup a good sniff.
Horrified aides caught the press conference on TV and rushed to the location, tackling Joe to the ground and putting him back in the basement. "You'll know your VP pick when you need to know, Joe."
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