NEW YORK, NY — New York Mayor Eric Adams has scrapped his plans to close newly uncovered tunnels beneath the Chabad-Lubavitch synagogue after realizing how many illegal immigrants he could hold down there.
"The startling discovery of these Jewish tunnels couldn't have come at a better time for us, honestly," said the Mayor to the press. "According to our estimates, we can comfortably house at least 300 immigrants down there. Thanks, Jews!"
Leaders of the Jewish community center have protested the move by city authorities. "Oy vey! These tunnels are our property, and are only to be used for top-secret Jew stuff," said one Rabbi from the synagogue. "We demand the return of these tunnels to their rightful owners."
Other locals celebrated the move, however, saying the use of the tunnels will keep migrants from using their school buildings and local hotels, at least until 83 more buses arrive this afternoon.
At publishing time, the Mayor had ordered local Orthodox Jews to please dig faster as the tunnel was already filling up.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
