WORLD — Global leaders are shaken after researchers uncovered a young Jewish man from Nazareth at the center of a dark plot to control the entire universe — which he also apparently created.
"This Jewish plot goes deeper than we thought," said insurance salesman and amateur researcher Dimlee Bergmann. "Apparently he claims he's older than Father Abraham, responsible for the creation of the heavens and the earth, and owns the cattle on a thousand hills. I didn't read anything about a space laser though, although that would be cool."
Researchers claim they have discovered the shadowy figure is actually part of a cabal of three who conspire to work all things according to their will. The two accomplices have yet to be identified.
World leaders are distancing themselves from the Jewish man, who claims to have "the king's heart" in his hands, to "turn it wherever he wills."
"No one's influencing me! I am not, nor have I ever been, controlled by this guy," insisted Biden to reporters. "I don't even know the man!"
At publishing time, researchers had found the mysterious conspirator also holds authority over sin and death.
Kamala Harris is out of a job, but luckily we've got ten great career options just for her.
