NEW YORK, NY — Following the season-ending Achilles tendon injury suffered by star quarterback Aaron Rodgers, the New York Jets have been forced to file for a restraining order against former NFL player Colin Kaepernick to protect the team from his unwanted advances.
"No means no," said Jets General Manager Joe Douglas. "You'd think the guy would take a hint after a while, but we eventually had to take legal action to make him give us some space. We're not interested, dude. Please stop asking."
Kaepernick, who has been out of the NFL since 2016, reportedly reached out to the Jets after Rodgers was injured in the team's season opener. "I'm sorry that I referred to playing in the NFL as slavery," Kaepernick told the Jets. "I would really appreciate having another opportunity to become a slave and play for a racist, oppressive NFL team once again. Please? I won't do the kneeling thing during the National Anthem anymore. I'm just tired of working at the car wash."
After finding Kaepernick waiting for them at the entrance to the team's headquarters, executives were frightened enough to call the authorities. "We appreciate him being interested in us, really," Douglas explained. "We tried to break it to him that we're just not that into him. But the constant calls and texts…it's harassment."
At publishing time, Kaepernick had reportedly been taken into police custody after he was discovered to have broken into the team's locker room during the middle of the night to try on uniforms.
It's a serious medical emergency: you're minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.