AUSTIN, TX — Representative James Talarico was seen today gleefully dropkicking a labradoodle as he assured onlookers that Jesus had never explicitly said that you can't dropkick a labradoodle.
Talarico repeatedly punted the dog "Goldie" around Zilker park, smiling ear to ear. When several locals approached Talarico to tell him to stop, Talarico held out a Bible and challenged them to find a verse prohibiting the dropkicking of labradoodles.
"On the subject of dropkicking labradoodles, Jesus is completely silent," said Talarico, booting the dog several feet in the air. "I am therefore permitted to kick the absolute crap out this labradoodle if I feel like it, and boy do I feel like it. I'm about to punt you over those trees, Goldie! And no one, including the government, can stop me!"
Despite their objections, the crowd had to admit that not a single verse in scripture discussed dropping labradoodles and then kicking them into the air. "Dang it, he's right," said local man Ross Tarleton, scanning the Bible. "Jesus never once prohibits punting your dog like a football. Welp. Come here, Fido."
At publishing time, Talarico had been seen waterboarding a miniature Schnauzer as Jesus was notably silent on that subject as well.
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