WASHINGTON, D.C.—Multiple sources close to the January 6 Select Committee confirmed this week that the panel of congresspeople really just wants to date Trump. Those close to the committee members, who are spending weeks and weeks obsessing over Trump and airing criticisms of the former president, claim that every member of the committee just has a massive crush on him.
"It's obvious they want to date him, as they're constantly criticizing him," said Lionel Werner, a political analyst and certified relationship counselor. "You know how in grade school the boy who pulls a girl's pigtails just really has a crush on her? That's what's happening here. Adam Schiff and his colleagues are basically, well, pulling Trump's pigtails."
"Uh... sorry for the visual there."
Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, usually an opponent of Trump's, came to his defense. "It's inappropriate for these congresspeople to take their sexual frustrations out on Trump," she said. "Just like all these Republicans want to date me and my boyfriend's weird feet, now they're objectifying Trump. It's disgusting. I stand in solidarity with my fellow victim of sexual harassment, Donald."
Trump even chimed in on the debate: "NOT Surprising. I'm incredibly good-looking!!! Everyone says so. All the best people. They all want me. HUMBLING!!" he posted on Parler, Gab, Gettr, and Myspace.
In the social justice system, words are considered violence. In New York City, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious attacks are members of an elite squad known as the Microaggression Victims Unit. These are their stories.