NEW YORK, NY—Has the elder god Cthulhu become a born-again Christian? That’s what one of America’s most popular evangelicals, Dr. James Dobson, claimed recently during an “Evangelicals For Cthulhu” event in New York City.
Relaying that he heard from a reliable source that the unspeakably horrific dark lord of the seas had responded favorably to an invitation and “prayed to receive Christ,” Dobson stated that he’s all the more confident that the fearsome Great Old One would make a fine leader for our nation—or our world for that matter.
“Now, don’t get me wrong—he’s a baby Christian, for sure,” Dobson said at the event. “He doesn’t know our ‘Christianese.’ But when the dread god of the oceans at last arises from his slumber in the damp Cyclopean city of slimy green stone to consume us puny mortals, I say we evangelicals have a sure friend in His Fearfulness. Cthulhu fhtagn! Cthulhu fhtagn!”
“Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn!” he added.
After the event, when pressed for details about the conversion of the slumbering ocean god of the deep, Dobson admitted that it was in fact televangelist Paula White who had led him to Christ in his native underwater South Pacific city of R’lyeh, where she owns a $3.5 million condo.