GALVESTON, TX - After studying the Scriptures through the lens of numerology for over three decades, Bible teacher and self-proclaimed prophet Jebidiah Benson has announced a stunning find. An ancient Bible code hidden in the Hebrew, Greek, and Aramaic texts appears to record a rudimentary recipe for making chicken casseroles.
Early in his ministry, the reverend, whose church meets in a basement on his Texas compound, was intrigued by what appeared to be a supernatural pattern in the numbers strewn throughout the Bible. So Benson set to work, lining up every third set of integers mentioned in every other book of the Bible (while omitting the minor prophets), and comparing them with the irregular blood moon clusters appearing periodically throughout human history. But he wasn't having much luck - until one night, the answer struck him like a bolt of lightning.
"Leap years! I forgot to account for leap years! I jumped up with a start one night as the Spirit just hit me with that revelation - and within a fortnight, the code was cracked!" Benson declared proudly on his internet radio show late last week. He went on to describe the recipe as a crude formula for cooking a chicken-pasta casserole: "It looks pretty appetizing, from what I can tell. The trick is to use extra dry mustard for that little bit of zest most casseroles are missing."
He closed out the show by beginning his commentary on the book of Revelation, which he claimed warned humanity about the dangers of antichrist, the number of the beast, and government chemtrails.