LOS ANGELES, CA — After weeks of dealing with unruly and aggravated protestors, a Los Angeles police officer finally felt moments of real joy and euphoria as a line of commie UCLA students charged him with garbage can shields.
"Ah yeah! Come at me, bro!" Officer Dale Ipsom thought as a small group of blue-haired, 120-pound, bike-helmet-wearing protestors ran toward him at full speed. "I've been training my whole life for this. I'VE NEVER FELT SO ALIVE!"
Officer Ipsom then suppressed a smile as he totally leveled a little revolutionary named Zander with a single punch to the windpipe. Eyewitnesses say the officer then closed his eyes with satisfaction, feeling the soft California breeze on his face before preparing to grab another one by the face and chuck him 30 feet with one hand.
"This is fantastic. I feel so renewed," Officer Ipsom exclaimed in his mind as he hoisted another protestor above his head and began spinning him around like Popeye. "This is way better than those Antifa riots a few years back. Those guys brought actual riot gear but these guys, oh look at his adorable little shield!"
At publishing time, Officer Ipsom could be heard quietly muttering to himself "Don't laugh, don't laugh, don't laugh," as one UCLA student rushed him with a toy lightsaber.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
