NEW YORK — According to sources, noted guerrilla journalist and founder of Project Veritas, James O'Keefe, successfully infiltrated the protest encampment at Columbia University while disguised as the late Karl Marx.
"Social progress can be measured by the social position of the female sex," James O'Keefe said, convincing many gender studies majors to trust him almost immediately. "Now tell me more about how you hate the Jews, please."
"Yeah, he's one of us. Look at him! He's Karl Marx!" said Hunter Dornt, a third-year philosophy major. "He's really here in the flesh! I'm starstruck!"
Some protestors remained unconvinced by O'Keefe's portrayal, believing that such an older-looking man could only be part of the system that had given Israel the power to oppress innocent Hamas terrorists. Also, they were pretty sure Karl Marx had been dead for 141 years.
O'Keefe was forced to play the long game. To prove his worth, he avoided showers and complained about a lack of food while blaming their plight on capitalist structures. "The important thing to remember," he said to the adoring crowd, " is that none of this is our fault, life is meaningless, God is dead, and we should be really, really angry."
At publishing time, O'Keefe had confirmed his undercover work revealed most protestors had no idea what they were protesting or what a "Hamas" was.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
