The fascist police state is coming to arrest you for supporting Palestine and for no other reason than that. What will you do, comrade?
Here are 10 ways to beat the fascist police trying to crash your right to protest.
- Chant "Intifada Revolution" over and over: They will be overcome by the power of your inspiring revolutionary words.
- Cut a piece of a Rubbermaid trash can to use as a shield and charge directly into a platoon of cops all by yourself: You'll be unstoppable.
- Throw some donuts to distract them: Fascist cops can't resist an apple fritter. That's science.
- Skip showering for months to form an impenetrable odor cloud: It works for skunks.
- Use small children as human shields: It works for Hamas.
- Demand university staff bring you more fruit roll-ups to strengthen and invigorate your comrades: There's nothing more powerful than an anti-fascist army having a sugar rush.
- Contract AIDS in the protest encampment and run toward them saying "I have AIDS! I have AIDS!": Police won't want to touch you with a ten-foot pole. You win!
- Shout "Lightning bolt!" as you throw pretend lightning bolts: Lightning bolt! Lightning bolt! Lightning bolt!
- Pray toward Mecca 5x per day asking Allah to bring you victory: If you are a woman, you should do this while wearing a hijab to show your submission. Chant "Death to America" for good measure. Allahu akbar.
- Tell them you are an English major: They will immediately unhand you and kneel in respect.
Well, there you have it. Now you are ready to beat the fascist police coming to arrest you for supporting Palestine. If you can hold out for just a little while longer and set a few more American flags on fire, the American people will see the light and join your cause.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
