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Iron Man Switches From Arc Reactor To Greener Wind Power

MALIBU, CA—A recent expose revealed that the arc reactor that powers Iron Man’s suit is not carbon neutral. Tony Stark, the alter-ego of Iron Man, has responded by revealing a brand new robot suit that is powered by a large wind turbine.

“The next time I fight off an alien army, it will be with 100% green energy,” Stark told the press. “You can say that in the next battle, I’ll have the wind blowing at my back,” he joked, then added, “though really I need the wind blowing at my front for full power.”

There are some limitations to the new suit. For one, it can’t be used indoors, both because the wind turbine ensures he can’t fit through a door and also because there is no wind in there. The suit can no longer fly, because of power needs and balance issues. It also can’t be used in space anymore, as there is no wind up there. He had thought about adding solar power for space but nixed the idea when he realized that meant the suit couldn’t be red and gold. Obviously, the suit can’t be used on a day with no wind, and even when there is wind, he has to make sure he’s fighting bad guys facing the right direction to get maximum power.

But Tony Stark assures people that if there is ever a villain within walking distance outside on a windy day and approaching him at just the right angle, that bad guy will get a robot fist to the face.

Still, some people are now saying that with the new limitations, Iron Man is almost as useless as Hawkeye, the Avenger who just fires arrows or something. Tony Stark has waved off that criticism, though, saying, “There’s more than one way to save the world. And isn’t fighting climate change just as important as stopping Thanos?”

Most people said it was not.

Tony Stark is also being criticized because his new suit is constantly killing birds that fly into the blades of his wind turbine. He claims most of them were “evil,” though.

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