COTTAGE GROVE, MN - As part of a broader strategy to make the church perfect, a local congregation has asked all sinners to please stay away.

While the church's relaunch into a newer, perfect church is going on, pastors have suggested all congregants with a sin nature should worship elsewhere.

"We're moving in a different direction, and if we're going to be perfect, we need all sinners to just check out other churches for a while," said Pastor Jed. "Try the United Methodists or the PCUSA -- those guys love sin."

Church leadership distributed a list of characteristics that disqualify one from participation in the congregation:

• Having a face
• Having been conceived
• Existing

"If you meet all three of these qualifications, please just stay away for a while. We don't want to give people a bad impression when they visit."

After everyone left the church, Pastor Jed resigned. Now, the church is just an empty building, having achieved its goal of being the most perfect church on planet earth.