WASHINGTON, D.C.—Bernie Sanders has revealed he and his team have been working on an alternative to gasoline: an innovative new idea of burning a giant pile of tax dollars instead of outdated, harmful fossil fuels.
Sanders experimented with hundreds of different blends, from a mix of coins and dollars to pallets of hundred-dollar bills. But he finally settled on a giant pyramid of cash when he made his big breakthrough.
"All you people care about is money," Sanders said as he tossed a specialty Venezuelan cigar he had imported onto the big pile of cash. "We need to start caring about the environment, and if the best way to do that is to destroy the economy by burning all the cash, that's what I'm going to do."
The presidential candidate added that "it's not about money; it's about sending a message to climate change deniers: 'Everything burns.'"
When questioned on further details on his environmental plan, Sanders asked, "Do I really look like a guy with a plan?"
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