In Massive Strategic Blow To Satan's Battle Plans, Family Makes It To Church
Church · Feb 26, 2024 ·

NASHVILLE, TN — In a crushing blow to the plans of the Evil One, the Jones family made it to church this past Sunday.

"There were a lot of obstacles in our path," Mike Jones told his friends. "I mean, Sarah couldn't find her shoes for like, 20 minutes, and at that point, I was about to throw in the towel and stay home and watch a movie or something but then she found them, and out the door we went!"

The Joneses say they felt the influence of Satan all morning trying to keep them from making it to church, especially when the baby blew out his diaper and then the dog got into the garbage and made a giant mess all over the kitchen.

"Every Sunday it's the same thing, a whole wave of stuff hits while we're trying to get ready for church," Sarah Jones commented. "I know we need to be there, but sometimes it does feel like Moses trying to part the Red Sea to get out the door. But thwarting the plan of the Devil, that's a good feeling."

As of publishing time, the Jones family had committed to actually being on time for church next Sunday, a plan that was sure to be met with intense opposition from Lucifer himself.

Want proof that Jesus was a woke socialist? Look no further than these classic quotes straight from the Bible.

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