WASHINGTON, D.C. - In a surprise announcement today, the Biden administration has put forward a plan to begin quartering military troops in people's private homes, in order to finish violating the rest of the Constitution.
"A few days ago, we were sitting around the West Wing, and someone found a copy of the Bill of Rights in the couch cushions that must have been left there by the previous administration because no one here would ever have had one," said an anonymous source. "And just for kicks, we started reading it and realized: 'Hey, we've pretty much overturned all of these!'"
The source continued: "So we started checking them off. Freedom of speech, press, religion, check, check, check. Right to bear arms, we're working on getting rid of that. We've made our opposition to the right to a fair trial pretty clear in multiple cases, like the President undermining Kyle Rittenhouse's defense by calling him a white supremacist before the trial even began. Unreasonable searches and seizures was undone by the FISA courts in the Russia investigation. The one about the powers not delegated by the constitution to the United States being reserved for the states has pretty much not been a thing since the New Deal. We realized the only one we hadn't overturned is that one about quartering soldiers in people's houses, so someone said, 'Hey we should get extra points if we undo all of them,' and we all laughed and then decided to go for it."
When the source was asked about the eighth amendment which prohibits cruel and unusual punishment, the source replied: "What do you call keeping trespassers in solitary confinement for eight months? Yeah, once those troops start moving in, I think we'll have them all covered."
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
