LAKE JACKSON, TX — After nearly nine days without a fully functioning toilet, the crew of NASA's Artemis II mission changed course from splashing down off the coast of California and instead headed straight for a Buc-ee's.
Artemis pilot Victor Glover hit the throttle as a billboard "327 miles to Buc-ee's" flashed by, with the crew still crossing their legs uncomfortably.
"I see the sign! 'Your throne awaits.' Hang in there, crew," Glover could be heard shouting over the communication channel as he prepared for touchdown. "Our cheeks are about to be sitting on the nicest toilets on this marble we call Earth. Relief awaits!"
The spacecraft made its landing on the store's roof, after which the four astronauts could be seen rushing out with their knees knocking. "Out of the way, folks! Been holding it for 250,000 miles," shouted Captain Reid Wiseman. "No time for jerky, no fudge, we've got to get to the back. We're about to achieve a totally different kind of splashdown."
At publishing time, the astronauts' return to the Kennedy Space Center had been delayed after the Buc-ee's sign lit up, indicating fresh brisket was on the board.
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