WORLD—In a shocking, incredible miracle this morning, God caused the sun to rise in the East, though we had no reason to believe He should send her rays on us once again.
The miracle, witnessed and confirmed by billions of people around the world, was reportedly caused by God willing the Earth to continue to rotate in spite of all the bad stuff and terrible people living on the globe. Everybody was in shock as the dark night turned into a beautiful, bright morning as the sun peeked over the hills, valleys, oceans, and mountains of the world, creating countless beautiful displays of majesty for all of us to behold, no matter our social status, level of wealth, color, nationality, or creed.
"It's nothing short of miraculous," said one man as he watched the rays from the burning star some 90 million miles away burst through the atmosphere, creating brilliant reds, oranges, and yellows, the entire solar system having been designed exactly this way by a thrice-holy God specifically for our enjoyment and His glory. "I was just sitting here in the darkness when the sky slowly started to get brighter, and then, suddenly, bam! There it was: the sun rose! It's a miracle! I thought for sure God wouldn't send it today, but He did. What an amazing universe we live in!"
At publishing time, humanity was blown away to learn that the sun will set in the West this evening.