BURBANK, CA — After Disney's Lightyear disappointed at the box office, failing to earn as much in three weeks as Minions: The Rise of Gru earned in one weekend, Disney announced they are releasing a new cut of Lightyear into theaters — this time with minions added.
"It's clear to us now that the kids just want minions," said Disney CEO Bob Chapek. "We thought kids wanted bold, progressive stories of forbidden lesbian love that will make them more open to queer stories and questioning of the gender binary and maybe even changing their own gender and living life as a fabulous drag queen performing sex acts on stage for one-dollar bills while the remnants of the patriarchy burn around them in a hellscape of sexual anarchy, but no. They just want minions."
Disney execs reported being shocked to find that parents are more willing to bring their children to see some silly wholesome entertainment than to drag them to a film that will force them to have a conversation about homosexuality with their 5-year-old before they're ready.
In the new cut, kids will follow the delightful misadventures of Kevin, Stuart, and Bob as they tumble, fight, and fart their way through the universe of Lightyear.
"We've heard you, and we're responding. Come check out Lightyear: With Minions! Coming to theaters this Friday!" said Chapek.
When asked if Disney has the rights to use minions in their film, Chapek laughed maniacally and said: "We're Disney. We can do whatever the heck we want."
Columbia Pictures announced that if Disney is successful, they will consider releasing Morbius with minions as well.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
