U.S. – In a groundbreaking affirmative action program aimed at diversifying its workforce, Starbucks has hired its first and only straight white cis-male barista.
"At Starbucks, we believe all people deserve the dignity of a good job, including straight white men, even though they are the worst," said CEO Laxman Narasimhan. "We hope this paves the way for many other terrible, awful colonizers to find gainful employment with Starbucks Co. even though they don't deserve it and should probably just die. Ew."
"This is a huge day for me," said seventeen-year-old Milwaukee high school student Charles Smith. "I've never even made out with a dude or taken artificial hormones before. I can't believe I was hired!"
Starbuck's Chief Diversity Officer Raya Chugbot also applauded the decision, saying a straight cis-man would be a great way to round out their national workforce of gay people, trans people, and gay trans indigenous Skokomish people. "We welcome Smith to the team. Diversity is our strength!" said Chugbot. "Also, I hope he dies. Gross."
Smith thanked Starbucks for the opportunity and said he looks forward to working with his local team of 28 members of the LGBTQ+ community.
UPDATE: After 4 months of employment, Smith is now gay.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
