ATLANTA, GA—The CDC has issued new guidelines that specifically call out anyone relying on a functioning immune system as being anti-science.
“Does a ‘complex network of cells, and proteins that defends the body against infection’ sound scientific to you? Didn’t think so,” said CDC spokesman Jonathan Growsky. “Science is doing what we say to do without question, not magically getting healthy while your body functions as designed. That's just superstitious nonsense”
Growsky continued, “How can we expect the human body to keep track of every microbe it’s ever killed, and know how to kill it again quickly if it ever returns? It is as nonsensical as it sounds.”
The CDC no longer recommends worrying about your physical fitness level, eating a well-balanced diet, or taking vitamins as these are only important if you trust your immune system.
The media quickly began promoting the CDC's new guidelines, calling the immune system a "far-right conspiracy theory" and "fringe anti-science treatment."
Upon hearing this, many Americans packed on 50 pounds and picked up smoking to prove that they trust vaccines alone and are not science deniers who trust their body’s immune system.