WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Joe Biden was loaded onto a convenient death cart Wednesday despite protests that he was not yet deceased. Witnesses claim the president wriggled a bit in the grip of Vice President Kamala Harris as she insisted he was pretty much as good as dead and attempted to load him onto the cart.
"No, I'm not dead yet! I'm happy! I feel happy! Come on, man!" Biden allegedly said in front of several witnesses.
According to sources, Harris got into a brief argument with the body collector who maintained that he had a strict policy to not add living persons to the cart. "I have a strict policy to only transport dead people," he said. "I'm no biologist, but I think this fellow is alive. I don't own this cart, you know. You're asking me to violate my lease!"
Witnesses claim Harris laughed a considerable amount throughout the exchange. "No no no, he's dead. Pretty much dead, anyway," she said. "Or he will be any moment. HA HAHAHAHAA!"
Harris and the city body collector later came to an undisclosed agreement and Biden, who appeared to be mostly alive just a moment prior, suddenly stopped moving after the body collector went in for a closer inspection.
At publishing time, The White House confirmed Biden had tragically died of totally natural, not-at-all-suspicious causes and named Kamala Harris president in his place.
Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.