UPLAND, CA — A local man was doomed to repeat history today after failing to learn from it, as he arrived at a greasy hole-in-the-wall eatery to order an assortment of the type of powerfully unhealthy foods he routinely eats shortly before regretting his decision.

Pat Graves, who regularly tells himself and everyone around him that it's time for him to get serious about his health and fitness goals, was confident that this time would be different and he would not be slumped on the couch and feeling awful less than an hour later.

"I'll have a chili cheese fry and a strawberry shake," Graves said proudly while sitting in the restaurant's drive-thru lane. "Extra chili and extra cheese, please! Side of jalapeños! Thanks!"

Graves later explained that the trip for food was a reward for completing his workout earlier in the day. "Nothing wrong with treating yourself every now and then," he said. "I'm sure this time it won't ravage my intestinal tract and leave me spending the rest of my day taking multiple trips to the bathroom. I have nothing to base that belief on, but I'm convinced of it anyway."

When reached for comment later, Graves's wife, Beth, was incredulous. "I don't know why he keeps doing this," she said, shaking her head. "He never learns from his mistakes. Every time, it's ‘chili cheese fries and a strawberry shake,' and every time, he gets the same result. Isn't this what they always say is the definition of insanity?"

At publishing time, Pat was unable to be reached for further comment due to being in the bathroom.

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