WASHINGTON, D.C. — Today's drama regarding the ongoing search for the next Speaker of the House of Representatives was ground to a halt today as over 1,000 pro-Hamas protestors stormed the U.S. Capitol led by a buffalo hat-wearing Ilhan Omar.
"Make Palestine great again!" Omar was heard shouting as she led a mob of angry rioters across the Capitol grounds before entering the building and positioning themselves in the rotunda. "We will not stand for the Israeli colonization of Gaza!"
Chaos ensued as the protestors staged what everyone has been conditioned to believe is a violent insurrection of the American government. "Insurrection! Insurrection!" Nancy Pelosi shrieked as she ran down the corridors of the Capitol building before being stopped by one of her aides. "What? Oh, it's pro-Palestine people? Oh, ok, then. Totally not an insurrection at all. Where's my wine?"
Democrat lawmakers continued to celebrate the inspiring display of the right to protest as more anti-Israel protestors smashed windows, invaded the Senate chamber, took selfies behind Jim Jordan's desk, and carried away podiums. "This brings tears to my eyes," said Rashida Tlaib. "I'm so glad I whipped the mob up into a fury by spreading misinformation that Israel killed 500 Palestinians by bombing a hospital."
At publishing time, protesters were disappointed to learn they could not steal the Speaker of the House's lectern because there is no Speaker of the House.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
