WASHINGTON, D.C.—Ignorant Republicans rioted yesterday but didn't even snag any free big-screen TVs out of the deal, sources at the Capitol Building reported.
The short-sighted protesters stormed the Capitol without stealing a bunch of stuff, prompting many to question whether they really understand the purpose of a peaceful protest at all.
"Look at these morons, rioting at the Capitol when there's a perfectly good Target just down the street," said one CNN reporter. "If they'd looted a bunch of local businesses in the name of social justice or whatever, we'd be covering this protest a heck of a lot differently, I'll tell you that."
The rioters were condemned by people on both sides of the aisle, with critics slamming them for disrupting congressional proceedings, breaking through police barricades, and not even stealing a single LEGO set, cheesecake, or Nike shoe in the name of justice. No footage emerged of the Capitol occupiers lighting cop cars on fire or throwing bricks through restaurant windows, causing the protesters to lose support from people of all political persuasions.
"One thing is clear," said one political analyst. "These people obviously don't know the sweet, sweet justice of lugging a 60-inch TV back to your apartment to show how much you care about your cause."