ST. PAUL, MN — Sources close to Bruce Connor say that the 21-year-old martial artist has just finished proving he's a total idiot by spending 17 years earning his black belt when he could have just purchased one on Amazon for $12.99 years ago.
According to Nancy Connor, Bruce's mother, her son's oversight is one of the great disappointments of her life.
"I always told him, all those years," Nancy said, shaking her head. "It was always 'Bruce, we could get this on Amazon for much, much cheaper.' And then he'd always shake his head and go try to break a board or the kitchen table or something. I'm really, really disappointed by this."
Over the past 17 years, Bruce's family has spent well over $14,000 on lessons, tournaments, equipment, and emergency room visits. Bruce, however, thinks that it was worth it.
"This is the proudest day of my life," said the absolute moron, grinning like a chickenbrain. "Because this one has the karate logo on it. I couldn't find any like it on Amazon. Take that, Mom. Why do I do this? Because it's there! Hiyaah!"
At publishing time, Bruce had reportedly totally wasted another 7 years of his life getting really good at chess when he could have just gotten a computer to play it for him.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
