NIAGARA FALLS — Terrorists moronically attempted to enter the United States through its northern border today instead of simply strolling across the wide-open southern border.
"Those have to be the dumbest terrorists in the history of terrorists," said Department of Homeland Security head Alexander Mayorkas. "We literally have a thousand miles of border available for terrorists to cross as they please. I've done everything but put up a sign saying 'Terrorists this way, please'. How stupid can you be?"
According to sources, the terrorists were also not too bright in the bomb-detonation department. "Really a swing and a miss there, terrorists," said FBI Director Christopher Wray. "What kind of dunce tries to cross the Canadian border, then ignites themselves on the bridge? It's really a bit embarrassing to the terrorist community."
The FBI has reported that it will take time to identify the two morons as they exploded themselves into millions of tiny, stupid pieces. "There are bits of these dolts all over the bridge. It will take a few days to collect enough samples to discover who these absolute imbeciles were."
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
