ELKO, NV - Experiencing a moment of incredible grace and patience, local husband Clarence McTwombly sat his wife down and gently showed her how it was actually possible to close the 8,537 unused browser tabs on her mobile phone.
"See honey, that 'X' in the upper right corner allows you to close that tab you are no longer using," said Clarence to his wife, Clarice, as she nodded along while not really listening because she saw a tab showing a swimsuit she had been looking at a few months ago, but was now probably ready to buy. "All you need to do is is tap that 'X' with your finger, and it's gone. Simple as an oil change."
Showing some confusion, Clarice asked what on earth the purpose would be in closing any of the browser tabs, especially since she may need to pull up the content of any of those tabs at any time, because, really, you just never know.
With boundless love and longsuffering, Clarence answered her question by scrolling to some of her earlier browser tabs - a task that took over 40 minutes - and showed her that the 17 tabs related to finding coupons on baby formula may not be important anymore as their youngest child was now in college.
At publishing time, Clarice, also filled with overwhelming charity and patience, led her husband to the closet to show him how to throw away his 141 old, disintegrated t-shirts.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
