AUSTIN, TX - According to the latest reports, inflation has hit a 40-year high affecting the prices of many consumer goods. However, one consumer staple is actually at an all-time high. Speech, which as recently as earlier this year was free, is now valued at $43 billion.
"The free exchange of ideas has been under attack, causing massive inflation under the Biden presidency," explained Joe Squawk of CNBC. "It used to be that people could argue about all kinds of things on Twitter, a bastion of free speech. Then liberals started saying a lot of dumb things, and conservatives started making fun of them. So, the liberals started crying a lot, and the people working at Twitter just started kicking the conservatives off so no one would laugh at them for being dumb."
Twitter CEO Parag Agrawal has explained that free speech isn't free anymore because it isn't important for people to just say what they think. It takes a lot of money to run a social network in a way that protects approved speech and suppresses or blocks unapproved speech.
"Liberals like me are smart and sensitive," explained Agrawal, "and people shouldn't challenge our ideas or laugh at us. If conservatives can't play by those rules, they can just go make their own social network."
Elon Musk has offered $43 billion to restore free speech for Twitter, which appears to be the market rate, though some liberals at Twitter are rejecting the deal, saying free speech is "dangerous and shouldn't be freely available on the streets of America for any price."
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
