At this point in the race, Kamala has made it abundantly clear that she is willing and able to deploy literally any accent under the sun she believes will win her votes. You may be wondering: how in the world does she do it?
Well, never fear, for we public servants at the Babylon Bee have conducted a thorough journalistic investigation and discovered Kamala's top-secret notes for how to address each crowd she encounters. Take a look!
"For an Italian-American crowd, shout 'Mamma mia! Let's-a-go vote for-ah Kamala! Wa-hoo!' and then jump on a turtle.": They'll be so charmed.
"If you see an African American rally, pull out a bucket of fried chicken and say 'Y'all'": Also works for Texas voters.
"When you're with the white Democrats, don a white hood": Isn't she so relatable?
"For the Indians, say 'I just LOVE 7-11. Don't you love 7-11? Who doesn't love 7-11? HA HA HA HA HA!'": We don't know why she thought this was a good idea either.
"Tell the Latinos 'Let's TACO bout winning mucho in November!'": The only things Latinx love more than tacos are puns.
"Tell Jewish voters 'Oy Vey! Trump And Vance Are Meshuggeneh!'": This might work as long as she remembers to not break into pro-Palestine chants right after.
"Greet the League of Irish voters by vomiting on stage midway through a song about a fair maiden who died of the pox": Kamala's looking forward to warming this one up with a few bottles of the good stuff.
"Make sure to say 'The Yankees suck wicked bad, am I right?' to crowds in Massachusetts": She'll have them eating out of her hand with this one.
"To the Fremen: 'Your mothers warned you about my coming. Fear the moment. But you're afraid. What if I could be the One?'": This one will be a cinch for Harris.
"For the French, shout 'Allahu Akbar' at the top of your lungs": This will endear her to most of the people who live in France.
Well, there you go. Are you convinced by Kamala's relatable, homegrown accents yet? Make sure to let her know in the polls!
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
