HENDERSONVILLE, TN — A local congregation was thrown into despair this week after being notified that the Holy Spirit's presence had departed from the church building after discovering it was just a remodeled Pizza Hut.
"This is a deal-breaker," said a spokesperson from Heaven. "We know you've seen what churches used to look like. They were beautiful, awe-inspiring architectural works of art that induced reverence in people who entered and pointed men toward the glory of their Creator. This place was a Pizza Hut... we all know that roofline. You're not fooling anyone, least of all a member of the Holy Trinity."
The congregants wept solemnly while also admitting the building did, in fact, once serve as a Pizza Hut. "Yes, it's true," said Pastor Jim Grant. "We cannot deny that the people of our town have enjoyed many a delicious Meat Lover's pizza in this very room. Hundreds of children, beaming with their Book-It buttons, ate personal pan pizzas right where we worship. I thought that the Lord would still meet with His people here, even if it was on the spot where pan crusts were buttered. I was wrong."
At publishing time, Pastor Grant had announced that River of Revival Church would be moving several miles away to a much more holy building that used to be a Best Buy.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
