WASHINGTON, D.C.—Shortly after Elizabeth Warren released a DNA test that may or may not show that she is 1/1024th Native American, failed presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton showed the results of a recent DNA test that conclusively proved she is only 50% Reptilian.
The test, conducted by a renowned DNA expert, showed that only 50% of her blood comes from reptilian humanoids from space bent on destroying humanity. Many Washington insiders had claimed she was 100% reptile, but these claims are now known to be a hoax.
"I'm happy to announce that I'm only half reptile," she said on an interview Sunday evening. "I hope my critics will think twice before calling me a space reptile now, since that's only half true. I'm only part lizard person, thank you very much."
But she was quick to point out that whether or not she's an earth-conquering reptile is irrelevant, quipping, "What difference, at this point, does it make?"
At publishing time, Clinton had admitted the remainder of her DNA was that of a Cylon.
Breaking: Paypal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered Paypal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added Paypal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.